Time to Get Real

warning: this is a long post with no pictures. It is not written perfectly, it is not edited, it is just my thoughts spilling out in an effort to write about a certain challenge I've faced the past year in the hopes that perhaps it might help someone else.

I heard through the grapevine that a woman from my church community found this here little blog and said something like "oh my goodness, she has the perfect life" or something to that effect. Now, I know I've addressed "blogging issues" before - how when blogging we tend to focus on the positive rather than the negative, how some of us (not all) edit photos before we post them, how we can dangerously compare ourselves, our homes, our lives, our chilren etc. There is a lot of control involved in creating a world on the blog that often isn't a reflection of someone's true reality. Another woman from the church community - the woman who the first woman was talking to - replied something like "well, I'm sure her life looks great, but I know for certain she has her own challenges."

So, though you may get glimpses into my life of the "prettier" things I choose to share on this blog - today I am going to share something not-so-pretty. Yet, it has been my reality.

Don't we all have our own challenges?

So, I thought - in the spirit of keeping things real :) - I would share a bit about something that has been a huge challenge in my life the past year. It is called HYPOTHYROIDISM.

There. I said it! I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my thyroid is not working properly, and that because of it's malfunction, it affects the way my whole body and mind function and with that, there have been a whole slew of other challenges in my life. Okay?

I have written a little bit about this before. But not a lot, because we have been trying to discover if my thyroid would start functioning properly on it's own. After a year of monthly blood-draws to monitor my thyroid levels and frequent meetings with my Endocrinologist (I had never even heard of one, before), I now have a much greater understanding of what a vital role the thyroid gland plays in regulating almost every bodily function. Together, the thyroid and pituitary glands, help everything in the body function properly and run smoothly. When the thyroid hormones are incorrect, the pituitary gland is also affected: hence, the body as a whole is affected when levels are too high or too low.

In my case, my levels dropped to a subclinical level - barely below normal - when I was pregnant. With Sawyer, they dropped ever so slightly, but not enough to go on any medication. With Aspen, they dropped enough that they had me take medication. After Aspen was born, I told my OB that I would not take the medication any more, because I wanted to see if my levels would return to normal on their own. I truly thought they would. At my 6 week check up, she continued to monitor my levels and this time, instead of being low, she found they were so high - that she sent me to a specialist - my endocrinologist.

I was nervous but hopeful as I met with her for the first time. Her hope and thought was that I had something rather common (but not always diagnosed) which is post-partum thyroiditis. The course is to have low thyroid levels after giving birth and then have them shoot up after about 4 months, and then have them drop again and plateau within a normal range. And "wa la!" done with it.

So, we waited. I was willing to wait in hopes of self-regulation. I saw a family doctor at one point for a different concern and after bloodwork came back she automatically prescribed medication because of my levels being so low. I consulted (thankfully) with my "ENDO" and we decided still, to wait. She told me at one point that whenever I wanted to, we could start meds. I held out as LONG as I could, but after about a year, I just couldn't do it alone anymore.

I felt defeated when I finally said "MERCY!!" and threw in the towel. Damn thyroid!

I have always been such a healthy/energetic/optimistic person, and my darn thyroid seemed to crush all of that. Though I have enjoyed many moments the past year, most days have felt more like I am just surviving rather than truly living. Don't misunderstand me, I have had some very true and wonderful days - but I've also had some horrible ones.

One reason for the horrible ones, though, is just kind of a chain reaction to the condition: for example - here is what a bad day was like: I feel really tired but I have 10 things on my "to do" list today. My muscles are achy, too. My children are my top priority. So I get one errand done, feed, love, and play with my children. I don't even have the energy to cook dinner. Or if I do, I don't have the energy to clean up afterwards. So...these things keep adding up and soon I am feeling OVER THE TOP like I can't get ANYTHING done and that I am a horrible wife because I can't get dinner on the table. I think it's mostly that feeling of I am a failure because I can't seem to get anything done and I used to feel like I was pretty on top of things. So, for me, the part I wanted to do even when I didn't feel I could get anything else done, was just be with my kids. Play with them, read with them, etc. Who cares if there are dishes in the sink? Seriously. I had never felt like that in my entire life. I also found that it was increasingly hard for me to be supportive of Jacob's church calling - as several nights a week he is out serving others and often I felt like "wait! I just need you to stay home and take care of me (or more like the kids so I could rest)!" To his credit, he definitely did stay home some nights to help me. And he made LOTS of dinners. And did ALL the dishes. Seriously, Jacob is the sweetest guy I know. Which made me fell even more guilty that I wasn't living up to the kind of wife I wanted to be to him. MEGA BUMMED. Of course it didn't help that it was winter and dark, dreary, and cold. I also felt this kind of guilt/shame because my problem seems so SMALL compared to some of the health issues people have to deal with/live with. Yet, it all affected me in a major way I every time I minimized the impact it was having on me that wasn't helping.

People may be saying: but it seems like you still did a lot. And it's true, I did. I often would push myself to the limit. I never went to bed before midnight or even later because I would try to catch up (often with "work" related things). I was trying to conquer a complex bodily issue with just the power of my mind. Mind over matter, they say. But it WASN'T working...

so. MEDS.

And guess what? 2-3 weeks after I started taking THYROXINE, I was starting to feel like a new person. STARTING to feel like my SELF again. Hallelujah!

So, instead of being such a skeptic of medicine, instead, I learned about my options and I thanked my lucky stars that there was medication to help me out. It was still a sad day when I popped that first tiny pill and realized I may have to take that tiny pill every day for the remainder of my life...yet I was grateful. Grateful for the help and the miracle of modern medicine.

I had my first 6 week check up today. I am actually quite proud of myself and how good I am at getting my blood drawn now. I used to pass out, so I had to lay down and basically do hypnotherapy stuff I use during labor to make it through the blood draw. Well, now I can actually sit up in the chair and talk to the guy who draws my blood (I still close my eyes). Anyway, we found today that my first dose was a little too much so my levels were a little high (which would explain my recent insomnia and feeling "shaky" and weird appetite). So, we will punch down the dose a little and try 6 more weeks and see where we are at.

My ENDO also said today there is still a very small chance that my body will start producing the correct level on it's on and if that's the case we will just keep meeting to make adjustments with the meds until I no longer need them (PLEAE!?! that would be awesome!)

I also have to add here, that part of this reality of a healthy problem, is that it has forced me to think about/plan for my health in a different way. Hypothyroidism can also affect fertility. (I can hear Jacob laughing now - he jokes that all he has to do it look at me and I get pregnant, but I'm always saying "what if this...what if that...because you never know...) Granted, we have two beautiful and healthy children - we are blessed. But we do hope to have more. And in order to do so, I do have to consider my overall health - well, not just that - but it is a factor. I think it would be selfish for me not to.

Family planning is a whole other topic. One I've thought of a lot. Maybe I'll talk more about that another day...

For now, just know...we all have our challenges. And it doesn't matter how big or how small they seem to anyone else or even to our own selves - what matters is recognizing how they are affecting you. And then problem-solving until you can do what you can. Luckily for me, I CAN DO something about the health problems I have had. There are so many who have to accept a diagnosis and who cannot do anything about it. I am a lucky one!

I am also, as I said, slowly starting to feel like myself again. What a relief! Now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It has seemed like a rather long, and dark tunnel, I've been maneuvering through for quite sometime. Which is why I wrote this super long post. If there is anyone out there who has a health issue that effects how you feel about yourself or your life or what you can handle: it's okay. Take a deep breath. Take care of yourself. You are ever so important. Don't feel guilty that you can't be your "usual self" for a while. Understand that you are important and the only one holding a measuring stick up to yourself is YOU. People understand, if you are honest and explain. But you can't expect people to read your mind.

We are all real. Not one of us is perfect. We all have our challenges, our struggles, whether they be health-related or otherwise.

I just want to say: it's okay. Really, it is. It might not feel like it most of the time. And that's okay, too. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to find something to smile about (for me, it's my kids!) and...

Keep your chin up!

The Grand Prize

Dear Sawyer,

We are SO proud of you!

You have done an outstanding job at

learning to use the potty.

Today, you got your last reward -

The Grand Prize,

you might say.

I was pleasantly surprised at how easy you made this whole process.

We didn't use candy, or treats each time you used the potty...

but it did cost us about a dollar a week and a visit to the

toy aisle to pick out a new matchbox car.

(I figured if we used candy we'd have probably paid more in the long run anyway...between bags of candy and possible cavities later on)

Easy peasy. We lucked out!

Hooray for no more diapers!

Hooray for our big boy!

Seriously. SO PROUD of the boy. He was ready long before I was, and has been going on the little potty since he was something like 15 months old - now and then. I thought maybe he was too young, but since he persistently showed an interest, I decided in January to just be committed even though running through parks and parking lots and grocery stores etc. when we're out and about for the first few weeks seemed like more work than changing a diaper. Pretty much, this his how it went down (for those who are interested - don't feel obligated to read the potty training details --)

oh, if you are a parent who is thinking of potty training - remember that EVERY CHILD is different so trying this method on your child will not ensure that he will be fully potty trained at 2.5 years, but you never know!?! Sawyer just happened to be ready at an earlier age than average for a boy in the United States. but if your child isn't ready yet - don't worry, sooner or later we all learn how to use the potty :)

POTTY TRAINING 101...FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO KNOW...

Once I decided to commit (after the craziness of the holidays :), I picked a date for no more diapers. I picked the day we were to come back from our Florida vacation. So, a couple of weeks prior, I kept telling Sawyer (in a very excited way) "no more diapers when we come home from Florida!" and on vacation I kept reminded him and asking him "what happens when we get home from Florida?" we would smile and say in unison "NO MORE DIAPERS!"

So, true to my word, even after flying with two kids across the country and getting home feeling tired and unmotivated, the first thing we did when the shuttle dropped us off was go to take off his diaper..."NO MORE DIAPERS!" And so it went...

The days were great. Besides, of course, the constant voice in my head "ask him, ask him in 5 minutes" - now that it's done, it's nice not to have to always look at the clock and ask him every 15 minutes. The only thing he was nervous about was what I will refer to as #2. He was also nervous about falling into the big toilet, so we resolved that issue by buying one of those little seats that fits on top and is child-size. We got over the nervousness about #2 by talking about how at the beach when we throw rocks in the water they go "SPLASH!!!" and after that, he was STOKED for #2. He still shouts from the bathroom "Do you hear it? SPLASH!" What a relief to get over those small obstacles. From there on out he did amazing.

The first couple of nights, we put pull ups on him. But I realized they felt too much like diapers and he could easily fall into a bad habit. So, to reinforce all the good, we had him wear a cloth diaper (he had worn them 90% of the time up until Aspen was born, and then I got a bit lazy and relied more in disposables). Anyway, with the cloth diaper, he could certainly feel the wetness on some mornings and was in a hurry to get them off and get to the potty. Over about 2 weeks time I started noticing that his cloth diaper was dry each morning. So, we decided to get rid of the cloth and just do underpants at night and see how it went. And it went great! In 6 weeks of no diapers whatsoever he only had one accident when he ran to the potty but couldn't quite get out of his zip up jammies in time. (it was midnight). Funny enough, he goes to bed with a sippy cup of water around 9pm and we don't have to wake him or take him potty or anything and he drinks the water throughout the night and still wakes up dry! I think he has learned bladder control.

Okay, so the prize factor. First (thanks to a suggestion from one of my sisters and a couple of friends) we thought about what motivates Sawyer. CARS. Easy. So, each time he went potty, I told him he was doing a great job and if he kept doing a great job, he could go pick out a prize - a new car. I didn't want to give him a car every time he went, so just talking about it worked for him. So, once a week we took a trip to Target and he got to pick out one of those little matchbox or hotwheels cars. I made a big deal about it and he usually got additional praise from other moms in the toy aisle "Good Job!"

So, I'd say he was fully potty trained in 3-4 weeks. The only thing I had to do then, was to get him to understand that he wouldn't get a prize every time we went to Target ;) So, a couple of weeks ago I told him he had learned to use the potty and he wouldn't get to choose a prize anymore. Today, we went to Target and his eyes were ON FIRE when he spotted "Red" - the firetruck from the movie Cars. I usually on let him get one of those cheap little cars, and this one was like $15. I started to say it was too expensive "oh, too much money, Mommy?" but instead, I saw a perfect opportunity to end the prizes with a BIG prize, something that would make an impression. So, Red came home with us today. In fact, he is "napping" right next to Sawyer as I write this :) And my boy couldn't be happier. And I couldn't be more proud of him. He's such a little guy. But getting so big. So fast. Sometimes I want time to freeze, but then he just keeps getting more and more fun as the days go by.

Anyway - sorry for the novel on potty training, of all things. At least I didn't post pics of my boy sitting on the pot (though I admit I did think about doing just that) those are things the whole www doesn't need to see. A lot of what I write on this blog that turns into novels is just for my records and for me to remember. So thanks for humoring me!

*on a side note, it has been said that children who wear cloth diapers potty train earlier. Seems to be true in our case, so far. I have also re-committed myself to cloth diapers for Aspen. I feel good about using them and they save us $$$ that can be put to better use than trashing our environment for future generations. I do use disposables sometimes when we're out and about - but my goal is 75% of the time cloth. I spend less than $10/month on diapers. Any one have questions about cloth - fire away! I love sharing info I've learned from research and experience!

cheesy. gap-toothed. super-cute. grin.

as we were coming in from a little stroll last week and i turned around just in time to capture these. the first is sweet. the second cracks me up in a rolling-on-the-floor kind of way.

what would i ever do without her?

seriously.

{oh wow. and she's 14 months old today!}

Aspen's First Painting

Artist: Aspen Jane Carter

Medium: Handmade Seattle Mud on Recycled Paper Plate

March 21, 2011

Nature School at P-Patch Garden

We LOVE Nature School. I am going to do a whole post about Nature School one of these days (maybe when there is no threat of rain and I can get a few photos of the kids and their darling teacher). I mean, really, it's the coolest school EVER. And this morning we met at one of Seattle's Neighborhood P-Patch Gardens and had class. The art activity was very "Hands On" you might say. Sawyer didn't want to stick his hands in the mud/paint (although he had no problem digging into the mud outside the bucket or planting his seeds with handfuls of dirt) Aspen was happy to give her first painting a go. And me? Well, smiling because we were outside getting fresh air - and I could not only smell Spring - I could see it, too. Hooray for Spring! And GOOOOOOOOOOD Riddance, Winter!

Little Miss Hollywood

This morning, the sun came out

(do I hear a HOORAY!?!)

you know your kids are true Seattleites when...

your son says, "Mommy, look, the sun is out! Hooray!"

(we say HOORAY every time we see the sun)

and then, he says "Oh! It's BRIGHT!"

so, luckily, we have shades. these are sister's first shades...

she was having a bit of trouble getting them on...

good thing she has a big bro to show her the ropes of shade-wearing.

this last one just kills me

maybe this one is the answer to the image I should print
huge huge huge on a gallery wrapped canvas?

just sayin'.

oh

and Happy Saint Patrick's Day, too.

(i hope you're wearing some green)

*after naps we are celebrating the day by going hunting for Leprachauns and maybe even some gold!

Tonight

As we were getting the kids from their post-bath-let-us-run-wild-free-and-naked state to the let's-get-jammies-on-and-calm-down-and-read-some-books state, we noticed that all of Aspen's jammies were in the laundry - still drying in the dryer but not close enough to be done by bedtime. This gave me the perfect opportunity to sprint downstairs and finish some cute little jammies I had been making her - all that was lacking was the elastic in the waistband. So - WA LA! Cute new jammies on our cute little crazy-haired girl.

And since I had the camera out...I thought I might as well show ya'll (I'm practicing my Texas accent just in case we move there someday...) the coolest book I got the other day.


We were at a kids' consignment shop in Ballard and I came across this book. Such a beautiful, fun book - and since Sawyer and Aspen now have my old Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls (which my Grandmother made for me), I thought they might like hearing a story about the pair. 

Well...it's not only a storybook - but a pop-up book! The pages are beautiful. I love it! (You can't go wrong in second hand stores - especially with classic vintage-y books - six bucks!) We have enjoyed it every night (and day) since I snuck it into our purchase and surprised the kids Monday night for Family Night.

Something else...today I was sorting through clothes that the kids have outgrown and trying to figure out what they need/don't need, I found this preemie outfit that Aspen wore her first few weeks. I decided to see if it fit on her baby doll.


It did.

It's crazy to think that just one year ago, she fit into that teeny outfit. Yikes!


Okay, that is enough of my random rambling for tonight...just a few little thoughts and observances I wanted to keep track of...to remember...someday.


Goodnight!

playing around...

ahem. you may notice a few tweaks to the ole' blog. I am up late just playing around with colors and maybe a new header. so pardon me while i play around. it may look a bit like the fairies in Sleeping Beauty are fighting over their colors or something for a little while...

truth 1 - i am trying to decide how to merge the two blogs.
truth 2 - i have been working on a website upgrade for my business for a few weeks. because of the new template, we had to make a few adjustments to my logo etc. so i kind of updated the colors and hence the playing around.

yet unknown - how exactly i will do the merge, and when. soon, though (i hope). i know in a lot of business ventures it would not be wise to mix business with personal life, but i know (and admire) enough photographers who have managed to mingle the two that i want to give it a try myself. i am still trying to decide if i am going to switch over to wordpress, or what not.

i suppose 1am isn't the best time to be making these decisions?

well...off to bed for this tired girl.

if anyone has any ideas or experience with wordpress and would like to sing it's praises etc. please do so. Any input is good when deciding to do something that is going to take hours of work ;)

ten images from this day in our lives

This is my first time participating in the "ten on ten" photo project. To read about the project, click here. We had a busy day today, but taking the time to keep my camera out and snap a photo every hour during our day of our randomness really did help me find the beauty in the simplistic things we did today. The images I captured are things that happen pretty much every day around here. But they are anything but boring if I remember to present myself to each moment. From (top 2 images) starting the day opening the blinds and looking out to see what kind of weather we will have - while also searching the yard for birds, cats, or squirrels (and notice how little sister is desperately trying to climb up onto the windowsill like her big bro) - to (images 3-4) having my little monkeys "help" me make our bed, to (image 5) running up and down the hallway countless times - and the new, pretty sweet thing if you ask me, is how my kidlets like to hold hands and walk together. (Images 6-7) From playing cars to (image 8) having Aspen wake him from his nap (car still in hand) to (last 2 images) bathtime, whew, the days sometimes seem long, but at the same time, fly by so quickly.

I love my children and I love the moments we shared together today.

And now, it is time to go rest and relax. Well deserved by all of us :)

Nighty-night.